This is hard. Maybe the hardest thing I have ever written. Yet, I know that I must write about this in order to be totally healed from the damage done. Warning: this could contain triggers for those who are fragile.
From mid-January, I have been having bouts of acid reflux. For the past month, it has been almost constant. I have felt sick, and been unable to eat anything that didn’t make me hurt. Applesauce. I could eat that and be okay. I have been taking some medicine for it, and it seems to have gotten a little better, but it had not gone away.
I was sitting at my computer yesterday morning, and I was watching a video of a man and a woman dancing. I think they were in some sort of contest. He was a tall, heavy-set man and she looked like someones mother. Yet they were dancing like pros, and having the time of their lives. I was amazed that a man of that size could move that well, yet he was so happy and so joyful.
That’s when I had a moment of self realization. I had been judging him because of his size. (I am ashamed of this and it is very difficult to write about.) This brought on some self examination, and I realized that I judge people ALOT. (Maybe I don’t verbalize it, but its there.) Worse than judging others, I have judged myself. I even know how I came to be judgmental.
Growing up, my mother always nagged me about my weight. She would promise me a new wardrobe, if I would just lose weight. Once, she bought me a really pretty yellow dress that didn’t fit me, and told me that I could wear it when I lost weight. That dress hung in my closet forever. I never did wear it. I don’t believe my mother intentionally wanted to hurt me, but hurt me it did, and it left life long scars. I formed a few beliefs that have never left me:
–That she couldn’t love me if I were fat.
–That I was not good enough.
–That I was ugly.
–That being fat was wrong.
So, yesterday when I was thinking of all of this, I felt something loosen in my chest. I checked myself for pain, and found none. No acid reflux! I took myself out for breakfast, where I ate responsibly. I didn’t “stuff” myself. (Much like I have stuffed my feelings all my life.) When I was full, I quit. All day yesterday…no pain. I recognized the difference between being physically hungry and when I was emotionally hungry. I believe all of this has been the Universe’s wake up call to me. A time of honesty and truth that came about as a result of asking God to help me not be judgmental. In order for Him to get my attention, He had to do something drastic.
I feel so much better today. And I am not angry at my mother. I know she was trying, in her own inept way, to make life easier for me. Parents, just accept your children and love them exactly as they are.
Putting this out there, is difficult for me and several times, I have stopped and tried to decide if I can really bare this in public, but I have this feeling that in order to accept myself fully, I have to confront all of this fully and not hide it. So, if you are reading this, please know that (somehow) I got the courage to hit the “Publish Post” button, and try not to be judgmental…