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So, lately I have had two questions on my mind. “What do you want?” and “What can I do to make the holidays more palpable to me?” The first question comes as I am trying to decide what it is exactly that I want to accomplish before I leave this mortal plane, and the second question comes because the holidays have come to mean NOTHING to me. I dread their appearance. I’m already sick of christmas music. How can I make this time of the year more enjoyable?

The answer came to me this morning…..in the form of a new question.  That small voice…(which I refer to as God in my head) asked, “What do you want for Christmas?” And I had an answer for Him. (I hope I can use words to express this, because it came to me in a series of images.)

“What do you WANT for Christmas?” He asked.

I want…

….to be mortally afraid of the angel coming to me and bringing me the news that I am going to go through something that will sunder my soul….

….to be so afraid when he does come that I cannot bear to look at him, and I hang my head in fear and disbelief. Why would I, a poor, ignorant teenage girl be chosen to do something so grand?

….to feel my iron will kick in and acquiesce to the things the angel told me would happen, knowing that it will take every bit of strength I have…

….to have my heart ripped apart when my betrothed screams at me and asks me how I could be so unfaithful….and then to have my heart soothed when he tells me that he, too was visited by the angel and knows that I am true…

I want

….every person in my family and community to doubt me and make fun of me. Angels? visiting a poor ignorant girl? Stupider than what we thought if she thinks we will believe God did that…

….to have to travel many miles in my last month of pregnancy on the back of a mule to pay taxes to those who would oppress us…

…to rest…anywhere….even that stable…to have my baby amidst the very animals that my religion has deemed unclean…

I want

…my body to be battered and bruised and torn to bring forth my son…my baby…so beautiful…

…him to suckle at my breast as I gaze down at him in wonder….

…my heart to break as I nurse him in the shadow of a cross…

I want to feel this awe again. ..this knowledge that it isn’t about pretty colored lights, and great deals. That the ONLY “Black Friday” in this season will be the one that happens when that baby becomes a man…and dies between two thieves.

I want to fall on my knees in tears…and awe…and wonder…that such a thing could happen to US ALL.

That’s what I want for Christmas….

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