It probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to those of you that I interact with daily, that I have been in a FUNK and as hard as I have tried, I just haven’t been able to understand it or pull myself out of it. This morning, I think I came to an understanding of what has been going on, and with that an understanding that this is going to really take some work to resolve.
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I developed a deep seated desire to “fix” things…to do what I could to make people happy…to keep the peace….to fix whatever was broken. I have been aware for many years that I am like this, and try to remember that I can’t fix everything…but I think that I have just been ignoring it…not really dealing with it.
A couple of weeks ago, I was leaving work, and I saw a woman. Her clothes were tattered and torn, and she looked like she was just barely holding herself together. The side of her bra was visible through the armhole of her tank top and it was all ripped. I felt so sorry for her, and I grieved that life was like that for her. (Notice how I made the judgement that she was miserable in her life? I didn’t know that for certain…that was a reflection of my values on her.) Since that moment I have been deeply aware of how things seem to be deteriorating for society in general. People are out of work. Older people are worried and miserable about how they are going to make it on their own. All of the weight of that …..fell directly on me. And I felt every bit of that negativity deep within me and I didn’t feel like I had any way to block it from me. In my job, people come to the door asking for help all the time, and it is my nature to want to help them. To FIX them, and then I realize my inability to fix it for them and I can’t seem to get over the sorrow that I can’t fix it. Then to add injury to insult….I can’t even seem to let myself be happy when there is such misery in the world. GUILT GUILT GUILT.
Here comes my truth: I can’t fix everything and on some level I think it might be a mistake for me to label or judge ANYTHING. Every day, people make choices, and maybe whatever happened to them to put them in the circumstance that they are in was NOT their choice, they certainly have the choice to do whatever it takes to change their circumstances. I have no control over those things. The only thing I do have control over, is how I feel about it.
I resolve then….to send them light and love each time I am tempted to judge their situations, and then LET IT GO. That is the best I can do for them. I do not serve the world by being in a funk and grieving. Time to pull myself up…and put some sunshine back into my heart…..