I guess one of the reasons I blog, is an outlet of sorts. A way that I can try to explain some of what I think and feel. A justifcation for the way I behave? Maybe. Maybe I just feel I need to justifiy it to myself to help it all make sense. I think I just want to be understood, and this is a much more socially acceptable way than to scream my feelings and frustration at people. (I tried that and it served me no good.)
No matter what my good intentions have been, the Christmas season is always a difficult season to get through as it is for most single people. The world is designed for a “set”…a matching pair….good/bad….mother/father….light/dark…husband/wife…..single/? You go into a restaurant alone and hear “How many?” and you are the only one standing there, and once again you are reminded of your aloneness. And I realize that it is unintentional, but it is still there. You see families enjoying each other and although you are happy for them, it only serves to enhance your “aloneness.”
For me, the holidays always bring an added element of grief. Losing my beloved grandmother on Christmas eve 18 years ago, and my mother on New Years day almost 20 years ago now, always casts a shadow on those days for me.
Suffice it to say…I am just not myself during the holidays.
This morning as I was journaling, and praying and asking God for some peace, I received it. A deeper understanding. A soft inner voice spoke this to me…
“I chose to come to humanity as a human. So that I could experience every human emotion…every human frailty. Anger, temptation, lust, …..all of it. I wanted to know what it was like to be FULLY human. And I experienced it all. And when I had experienced what it was like to be YOU, I wanted to show you just how MUCH I loved you with all your human frailties….so I gave up myself….to experiece pain and humiliation and injustice….to die like a common criminal. I did all of this…so that you would have no doubt…that whatever you do….or think…or feel…..I love you. Enough that I gave my life for you.”
Stunning, isn’t it? And He did that for every one of us! And it makes it all worth it.