I argued with myself all day today about whether to actually write this blog or not. I don’t much expect that you will read it, but I hope that you do. I don’t intend to rant and rave and call you names because those are not the feelings you bring out in me.
What you do make me feel is….sad. Sad because I see how I could have turned out, if I hadn’t been so damn stubborn and decided that I was NOT going to let the suffering beat me. Maybe we haven’t experienced the exact same sort of trauma in our lives, but I have been an angry ANGRY person too. And I hated every moment that I was angry. I didn’t expect anybody to like me, because I didn’t like myself.
Whether you want to believe this or not…..LOTS of people of our generation suffer. ( I am 56.) Our parents came out of the years of the depression, and a world war and tried to raise kids when they were totally unequipped to raise kids. That’s the way it WAS, the key word being “was.” We can let those things that brought us to the point of self hatred and despair BEAT us….or we can let them go. It’s our choice.
There are so many sweet moments in life, Chef. And I know you know this, because you have mentioned things that I know brought you joy. But they don’t come in quantities of years or life times. They come in MOMENTS. Sometimes, in the mornings when I write in my journal, the only good thing I feel…is the way the pen glides across the paper. And in that moment…I am happy because it feels good. I take the focus off the things that hurt me….and search for the things that feel good. I CHOOSE that.
In your blog yesterday, you flat out said that you wanted to die. I don’t believe that. I think you just want to not HURT anymore. (After all, you did say you were going to the hospital this morning. That doesnt seem like something that a person who WANTS to die would do.) Thats the one thing that you do have control over. You can choose to let your mind think on all the things that hurt you….or you can choose to let your mind think on the things that are achingly sweet and beautiful. You choose. Don’t let it choose you. That’s the cowards way.
I have been reading the things that you write, and I think you have a gift. I would hate to see you waste that by letting your health go and letting life defeat you.