I was awakened this morning by a dream….I thought it was about my mother…but then I realized that she had come to me after I woke up.
I was walking in St. Louis….somewhere in the Loop. I was wearing white jeans and a white t-shirt and shoes with clunky heels. And ohhhhhh was I walking! Though alleys and yards…and the men were staring at me as if to say…Now there goes a woman who knows how to live!
The last thing I remember about the dream….was that my initials were embroidered in black on the back pocket of those white jeans. Then I woke up. The best part of that dream…was that monogram, because I actually DID have a pair of white jeans with my initials embroidered on the back pocket.
My mother did that for me. She hand embroidered my initials on the back pocket of a pair of jeans for me, all because I asked her to. (If any of you have ever worn jeans, you can imagine that it would not have been an easy chore to hand sew anything on the back pocket of a pair!) As I laid there in bed awake, the thought came to me about that, how she had done that all because I had asked her to. That’s when the tears came. I felt so much love for her…that she would go to that kind of trouble to do something so whimsical…all because I asked. Surely that’s what a mother’s love is all about!
Finally…..after all these years since her passing…I had a memory of something so ….so….wonderful about her! It was one of the most comforting moments I have had about my mother in a long time.
I sent a whispered prayer to her…”Please be there for me when it’s my time….”
My whole spiritual journey began in a funeral home picking out a casket for my mother and bawling like a baby because we were going to put her in the ground, and swearing that my life would not end like hers. My goal was to live the kind of life that she should have lived….could have lived…had she known she had a choice. (Women of her generation seldom realized that they could CHOOSE.)
So, I have done that. Am doing that. Every moment choosing the kind of life I want to lead. In the end…its the only thing we can do. Be true to OURSELVES. You can have children, and you can be a wonderful mother, but if you have not been true to yourself….then it was not the life you were meant to live. It is not selfish to be true to yourself. Each one of us is given the gift of a life and we can let it pass and happen without making conscious choices, or we can CHOOSE. I CHOOSE.