I recently read your article about why you can’t forgive your mother, and I want you to know that I understand how you can be so angry. Her role in your abusive childhood was unconscionable and I grieve for you. Not just for what you went through, but what you are going through now.
Rage. I know what that is like. When you want to scream and hurt and rebel against the things you had no control over. I see it in you because I have first known it in me.
But here’s the thing:
The rage is part of the problem. The wanting your mother to be something she isn’t is also part of the problem. The good news is, that these are things you have some control over. Acceptance that your mother is what she is, (and that she may never change) is imperative to your own mental health. You don’t have to approve of it, but accepting it essential. You can’t change anyone, just yourself and how you feel about it. If you find her behavior and her attitude is unacceptable, then don’t continue to put yourself in a position where you have to endure it.
Be honest with yourself. And your mother. Tell her what your issues are with her and then tell her that your own peace of mind is your priority, and then make it a priority. Take control of how you interact with her and if that means no interaction, then so be it. Write the pain out. Paint the pain out. Do whatever it takes to come to a place of pure peace in your heart. And once you can understand yourself and love yourself…perhaps you will have some love and understanding for your mother.
And don’t be afraid. You are the master of your own destiny. You can choose to NOT be like your mother. Find the person inside of you that you really want to be and then BE her. You get to choose! (Life is awesome that way!)
I sincerely hope that by writing your story down and admitting to the world that you have been hurt….and still hurt….and want to stop hurting….that you have set your feet on the path to healing. I pray that you find peace.